i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I am one Jewel song away from suicide watch
thanks again for a nice night (and please don't fuck my boss)
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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