somehow, due in part to drug cocktail and alchl prior to meeting, i blacked out, got home, made total mess of kitchen, broke shower, and made 17 hard boiled eggs
I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.
We're having the conversation about what happened last night, all we can come up with is that we came home, drank two litres of lemonade, I took one of her seizure pills and we fell asleep with sabrina the teenage witch on
You used the best tools you had at your disposal.
Slutty, slutty tools.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
I'm about to punish you for sending me a Snapchat of your boyfriend's morning wood
I was drunk and gave him my dad's phone number instead because somehow I thought that'd be funny. Man did that fucking backfire
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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