So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Lets just not get arrested. That might put a damper on everything. I only say that cause i've almost been arrested.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
Which outfit says "I'm sorry for your loss but we're still banging later"?
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
Omg I got up from his bed and almost did a header into the wall because I came so many times I forgot how to walk.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
