I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions
sooo... you have no idea who nailed their tubesocks to my wall?
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
A client gave me a bottle of vodka today. And he was hot with a beard. It's like he knows my soul.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
I mean you can one up her. Instead of ruining friendships you can ruin marriages.
orgy was averted by karaoke, thank god
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
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