Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
four days late. damn you, makeup sex. you win again.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
Some guy just ordered at Cosmo and 2 screwdrivers in the sky club at 8:30 am. I'm starting to feel a lot better about my alcoholism
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
my talents include tricking people into giving me money and free drugs
This morning when you were fucking me you said you'd go to the store and get me tampons and a 30 pack
She's in it for that fear factor ya'll. Obsession and stalking or nothing.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
I’m not washing my pussy with handsoap.
There. There is gum on my butt cheek IT IS NOT MINE
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