Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."
stop calling my apartment porn island.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
I miss college girls! You know how depressing it is to fuck 30 year olds? That's what failure feels like
Just the amount of girls he locked himself in my room woth says your gonna have to take a cab bro. I don't think he's going anywhere
I don't know his last name, but he's in phone as Pat the conqueror.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
Hooked up with a straight guy while dressed as a man. I'm unstoppable.
I can't believe I got dumped for a fat chick, but at least I got four and a half years worth of free shit. So we can call it even.
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
I was writing 'DISTRACTION' across my chest in Sharpie when my boob fell out. Right on camera.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Randomize
