For what it's worth, your chances of anal go up the more she loves you. There's always a silver lining.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
Hey, I can't get ahold of Tommy. Let him know his ex-girlfriend is pregnant.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.
I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
Technically, I traded a soft pretzel for sex last night...
I'm more of a "get high and take a bath" kinda guy.
Sorry I told all the other bridesmaids you were an asshole. I had had a few drinks and it's how I felt at the time.
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
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