Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
sperm doesn't mix with malibu too well
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.
hey you knew what you were in for when i showed up with 2 fifths of Jim. plus i left money to pay for a new sink
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
There's a very drunk Asian strawberry shortcake crying on the curb next to my truck. I'm not really sure what standard protocol is for this situation.
Nothing quite like the "I had sex you a month ago and now we're stopped at the same 4 way" wave
My 1st STD. I feel like there should be a cake for this.
What started out as a one night stand ended in him texting me the next day, saying he thought he was gay.
Uber southern baptist grandma and uber flaming cousin just got into an argument about whether jesus is OK with gay marriage. Aren't these things only supposed to happen at Thanksgiving?
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
I’ve chosen to watch a Mercedes station wagon drive around the Austrian in the rain because it’s live sports. If that doesn’t explain 2020, I don’t know what does.
i just realized i have only had sex on couches so far this year. i can't decide if that's impressive or trashy
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