She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.
I just got while a charlie horse while orgasming...most confusing feeling ever...
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
I'm pretty sure I just woke up to one of the airport janitors saying that she wanted to tie me up and do something.. I couldn't hear what, thank god
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
Do not tell me that that is not the face of a man who has sex with goats.
I feel like i'm walking on a never-ending field of baby sheep.
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
That Spanish guy who looks like Ben Affleck from that club we went to 3 weeks ago is still texting me.. He clearly doesn't remember what I look like.
You kept on yelling traitor and threatened to kill him and everyone he loves because he played beerpong with someone else
I should have robbed the cradle years ago. Turns out 21 year old boys can cum and still fuck me silly a minute later. My vagina feels like it just won a car from Oprah!
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
Randomize
