Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Hey sorry about saying i hated you. it was the coke and the ice cream.
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?
she keeps dunkaroos and gatorade in her bed. yep pretty sure im in love.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
DRUNK COOKIES
Are you drunk or are the cookies drunk or are these cookies that get you drunk?
Yes
Randomize
