Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad
It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.
I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
A black cat walked my drunken ass home last night and made sure I made it back into the apartment safe. Sat with me for 30 minutes as I struggled to unlock the door. Guardian angel or drunken hallucinations?
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
Randomize
