i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
who do i root for if I want Christiano Ronaldo to win the world cup on a team by himself and then bang chicks on the pitch?
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.
5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
Don't patronize me, I thought of that on peyote, so it was basically like a message from God.
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Do you still speak french? one of two girls I woke up with only speaks french...
I think I'm just going to go like every guy on tinder who has a jetski. I'm doing this for us, Summer is coming.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
Randomize