New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
He is like that thing on the menu you would eat because nothing else looks remotely edible.
Hi, my name's audrey!
Max?
Sorry, this girl is phone-stealing drunk.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really
threw up on my 7.30 AM placement test. Never again
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
Guess who just got a Christian Beliefs class to seriously discuss the spiritual implications of dolphin rape?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I just noticed that pic of your cock has a Christmas tree in the background. It's July.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
I literally just woke up in a dog bed, in a bathtub in someone else's house...and I'm not wearing pants
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
Randomize
