it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.
ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Hey. Hey you. Just wanted to let you know that I'm adorable. FUCKING ADORABLE. That is all. This update brought to you by our proud sponsor bud light.
Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?
If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
Drinking ketchup directly out of the bottle does not make it tomato juice.
Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.
Either sorry for fondling you Saturday or thank you for letting me fondle you Saturday.
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
I feel like I'm pretty optimistic for a girl that might be pregnant.
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
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