My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Can we fast forward to the part where we get gyros
Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
I made a nest in his bed. I'm not leaving
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
