At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
It's fine actually... I'm pretty sure he had the crookedest weiner in the world anyway.
Like he had it hanging in the wind and you just decided, "nope, I don't think that one's for me." ????
God no! I could just feel it. His clock said it was 8:00 when, clearly, it should have been midnight.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride
grab my backpack.....its in the fridge
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
I just woke up to find the whole kitchen sick had been converted into a gravity bong.
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
You're an idiot. I have LIVED as a cautionary tale of what happens when you drink too much and stick your dick in crazy, HAVE YOU LEARNED NOTHING?
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
Randomize
