I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
FYI you just passed out mid-blow job. Consider this my letter of resignation.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
my life is about to be the like the hunger games except with penises. and im going to win.
An old lady WILL get vomited on today.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
Probably not well advised, but you're welcome to stop by if your not ready to end your night. You know, for Thanksgiving's sake.
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
Summary of my night: made out with a complete stranger at a club dressed in the Geico gecko costume...
I may have just poured a honey apple beer onto a dried apple slice to rehydrate it. This is my day.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
Stop inviting Kevin over. The dickless wonder started playing some strange Sci-FY music and speaking an alien language and the girls split.
Randomize