If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
Couple of things: my nipples are blue and knowing that at some point I'm going to have to poop is incredibly terrifying
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Pregnancy test = positive. Hope you still have our old guess who game 'cause daddy elimination begins now.
I almost forgot to feel shameful, if that answers your question.
You can get gift cards to the liquor store! This changes everything.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
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