I went out, and slept with my sunglasses on
Old men and throwing up are my life now.
I dont understand how a fully grown man could convince himself that lime green crocks would look good on him.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
I'm not sure...it could be the pasta I ate from her sink, the dominoes, or just the alcohol. Or a wicked combination of all 3.
I was trying to sing daddy wasnt there from austin powers but apparently I was crying and and yelling jibberish...I get to into this shit
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Me. You. Shitty green clothes from Savers that we will dub alligator costumes. Middle of the quad tomorrow at noon. Bring your alligator voice and the pearls before swine comic.
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Go for gold. Two birds with one vag.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
He is 6'5, went to a Christian school and he's a violinist....I'm going to fuck the jesus right out of him.
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