is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
babies were throwing up all over the place
i just sent this text using only my big toe
Our teacher totally just got outed in class by a speaker from some lesbian cooperative house
Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.
hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"
You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs
You kept asking the bartender if you could "buy a dollar".
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
Just found my glass of wine on top of the litter box. Every argument ever is invalid.
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
