She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
My pussy is not your playground.
Remember me drinking the vodka from in between your legs?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
I will suppress my appetite by doing shots then passing out
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
How have I seen you throw up on yourself 3 different times, yet we weren't Facebook friends until I accidentally hooked up with your ex?
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
As he was cumming he yelled "Yahtzee" then said im free to go. Thats my one night stand
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
So...a chick sucked my crank...now her dog is licking my feet. I feel like a pharoh on vacation.
I just don't understand why we can't have sex in the house. I'll come see you but I'll have to think about the barn thing.
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
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