The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
Dude, I passed out on the side walk, lost my phone and shirt, and walked 12 miles home after I disappeared from the club
Why am I sticky / covered in baby Tylonel?
You know you're doing well in life when weed is considered to improve your job performance
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
Let's be honest dude, you almost cried when I gave you a handy, you are not ready for a relationship, I knew this.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
Randomize
