but i got with him after midnight so its technically 2 days
dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?
Just try to lay there and not be pregnant.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
Complete silence. Background Willy Wonka music. An empty back of Lay's BBQ chips. These are the ingredients for an extreme acid trip.
She licked EVERYTHING then yelled at me in Spanish. I just kept saying SI.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
At least Shia Labeouf would encourage me to do this drinking contest
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
His boxer smelled like clean laundry while I was giving him head. It was delightful, like sucking a dick in a spring meadow.
But I don't see you as the jesus riding a dinosaur with a machine gun type of guy
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Randomize
