I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
my nose is crying tears of wow.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
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