dude, im still at the bar with two chics... one has a moustache ill save that one for you... be home in 20min..
Being back home for the summer opens up so many opportunities to have sex without increasing my number
I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card
Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
But seriously, I hug most of my drug dealers.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
Dude he's moving to fucking Germany now. What is it about your vagina that makes men want to flee the continent?
He got hotter. I'm offended on behalf of the rest of our graduating year.
I swear, the guy behind me wasn't paying attention until the words "middle aged fuckboy" came out of my mouth.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I’m mid 4sum and you’re sending me photos of your cat. We had very different evenings.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I gotta do like a month's worth of catch-up personal hygiene today in prep for Christmas so extended family doesn't ask if I'm depressed.
Randomize
