things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Easy for you to say! His first impression of you isn't the drunk girl in a turtle costume who got hit by a car!
I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."
Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?
Sleeping with random people is the same as soul searching, right? Ps that wasn't a team name suggestion.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
You know I ate twenty hot dogs in an hour once.
I am honestly so surprised you are a lesbian.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I swear he is my soulmate. He kept feeding me goldfish while we were fucking. Who wouldn't enjoy that while having sex.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
