This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
Topless wife handwashing shirt. Tonight marriage is good.
friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
Almost to my house to grab beer. And pants.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
I just smoked by myself in my childhood bedroom, how happy does it seem I am to be home for Christmas?
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I don't want to get pregnant doggy style. That's sad.
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
Randomize