I have two black x marks on my hands.
Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'
damnit I wish I could remember that.
"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
New boss looks like john cusack in a collar. Hot. Why do i always want to have sex with priests?
in the morning i found her name, number and address on one of the empty pizza boxes. also said "ps. if you find my shoes please mail to me."
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
i want to have his babies. i NEED to. shit i wont even ask for child support, he's that goodlooking.
Happiness is having a 12 hour day thinking that there are only 2 beers in the fridge when you get home, but then finding 8. Fuck you Monday, this week I won.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
So you're not opposed to us ever having sex again? Because it just seems like such a waste to let a penis like yours go.
So learned a new trick last night.... Taking body shots from my own tits... Mom would be so proud
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