I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.
i just made my gag reflex go away.
My birth control alarm gets more depressing every night.
Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I feel like death crawled up inside me and died. That sick
Playing pong against a girl who fucked my ex boyfriend so that's how my nights going
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
I walked in describing her boobs thinking I was talking to you only to hear dad say 'I remember when your moms were like that'. ALWAYS tell me when they get home early. Always
would you eat cereal with weed in it
who is this???
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
we went to the skate park then back to her house for dinner, and somehow that ended with her making me blueberry pancakes at 2am
Randomize
