i wish i could post a picture of his odd shaped penis on facebook and label it "wtf???"
DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR
we took turns throwing up in the kitchen sink last night...no i am not doing the dishes
mom came into my room and asked to borrow some condoms. We have gotten to the point where it's not awkward anymore.
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
at which point he tried to give himself a prince albert piercing with the stapler on his desk.
Dude i don't know we had to beg the bouncer to let us in because you were bleeding everywhere and he saw you run into a dumpster
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
she said she just "wanted a guy who she could cook breakfast for". HUGE MISTAKE. I'm never leaving
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
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