Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
she literally pooped in the closet. i sent the picture to everyone i know.
My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..
you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I had her buy me a cock ring, so we might test that out. We are presently playing yahtzee.
Cock rings and yahtzee. Like peanut butter and jelly.
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
But seriously, I love you and you are a good person and I'll get you some ecstasy
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
