so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
well I can't set my house on fire every night
According to my dad, my tongue ring makes people assume I give a lot of blow jobs because, as stated by him "that's what it's for"
Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
His dick was so bent it was like fucking captain hook's hand for 2 hours
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
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