you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
