Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(517): View more from Michigan

I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love

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(313): View more from Michigan

The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?

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(845): View more from New York

That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...

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(660): View more from Missouri

i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting

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(905): View more from Ontario

Rule #127: If your going to try fuck a married guy, you gotta be hotter then his wife; diet starts today.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I legitimately just had to leave work because I am too hungover. The front office ladies keep making fun of me.

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