I wish life had little blips of pornography
Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
HURRY. I NEED DRUNK. MORE DRUNK.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
I just want to smoke weed and be the little spoon all winter. My modern day hibernation.
The taste of regret at 8am, yup that taste is Jack Daniel's
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
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