theyre just this beautiful family of functioning alcoholics. i want them to adopt me.
Should I mail that cop his nightstick or just throw it away?
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I'll be there in spirit. Right there in your vagina.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
Yesterday you said I was the best.
No. I said you DID your best. There's a huge difference.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
I want the address of the individual responsible for strawbeeritas. I want to send them gift basket.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
I'm 2 seconds away from smashing the bottle and drinking it off the counter with a straw.
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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