I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"
I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Are sex swings allowed in dorms
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
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