i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
I didn't know what happened last night until the bruises in the shape of hands showed up on my boobs. Then it all made sense.
You need to stop me from lighting my hand on fire next time we're working
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
We were supposed to hurry because the restaurant closed at 9. I ended up giving him a blow job so we had to eat at Arby's instead.
I had the choice between 9 burritos and 1 girl...
And...?
He puked all over the side of the car and the head rest behind him...and then all he said was "America."
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
