dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
Words of Wisdom: ordering a pitcher of whiskey cokes, putting a straw in it, and calling it your drink is not socially acceptable
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
i can recognize that vagina from a mile away
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
I've had your balls on my face a bunch of times so the least you could do is buy a girl some dinner.
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
