what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Went to my car this morning. Found a waffle from Waffle House in the front seat. No idea how it got there. So hung over I ate it.
They told me you were taking cheese cube shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce... Is this true?
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
Randomize
