i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores
I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
We have a vagina exchange agreement. Neither of us can hook up with any of our own law firm's summer associates. So we have a scout and referral program and invite each other to the other firm's summer events. Criss-cross!! Works every summer.
alcohol and riverdancing are a dangerous mix. have a spraind ankle. i die now
It's five in the morning. wtf?
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Randomize
