Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Def regretting not writing "will blow for extra credit" on my last final
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
I walked into your room and you had fallen asleep smoking a cigarette. You just had the butt in your mouth with ash all over your face.
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
Had a guy spin me around at the bar, kiss me then say "oh shit you're not who I thought you were" and then walk away.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
The three yr old girl I nanny grabbed a pole just now and is chanting "this is my house"
Sounds like you at that dive bar last weekend
My life is pants optional.
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
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