I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
I went to the gynecologist and they said, "you're the most fun person we've ever had," and i thought, "that's exactly why i'm here!"
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Could someone please explain the rug burn on the right side of my face and do I need a shot of penicillin?
my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.
The thing i'm gunna miss the most about college is peeing while brushing my teeth in the shower without being judged. You just can't do that anywhere else
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
He crawled outside into the bushes to throw up. He's just laying there now but he says he'll be ready to come home if we just give him five
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
