one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight
It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
i wasnt laughing because you were puking, i was laughing because three yards away there was a couple seriously getting it on
continuing my moment killer tradition in the best possible way
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
Hey remind me the get the pancakes out of my jacket
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
