so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
i just used a pokemon card to do blow. i need an adult. now.
he had two deer mounted on his dorm room wall with panties and bras hanging from the antlers... i cant believe i contributed to bambi's headgear...
He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.
Absence makes the cock grow harder.
i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...
NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?
Midgetier?
Smaller, yet meaner.
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
HOW DO YOU FORGET TO FINISH WINE
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
its not even a love triangle. its a love square and it has come back to haunt me
Um..... I have taste. The only thing I am going to bedazzle is my vagina.
Randomize
