I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
He screamed "Oh boy! Oh boy!" during climax.
Even when three police cars surrounded us you kept telling us not to worry because 'only good things can happen'.
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
good news: smoking weed at school again, quality of life has improved drastically
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I just want to have sex and eat dumplings. Is that so much to ask?
I feel like dick that good should always be within a five kilometre radius of me.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
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