I have no voice and feel like lukewarm beer.
Went home with a 29 year old from the bar. Life lesson: 9 year olds stay up late sometimes
I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?
Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.
Is that considered a cock block?
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
HE GAVE ME ONE OF HIS BEERS.
YOU'RE THE CHOSEN ONE.
I don't know how Dave is alive, I feel like he's been drinking since I met him.
Not to be gross and awkward, but I just had sex outside in the rain on the hood of a lexus
i was watching the elves fighting on my knees while waiting for the shrooms to kick in then i realized
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
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