i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
And the next morning he asked me why I had clothes on so I said so that he could take them off again.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Whatever. I'll take my new fine ass dick sucking nails elsewhere.
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
Just a heads up that Dad just brought home a new Porsche and the sales girl he bought it from.
Umm okay. What are they doing?
They’re in the hot tub
Can I get divorced when I grow up?
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