It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
She's like a pop up book from hell.
If I should ask "why am I still single?" could someone please remind me of shooting mike and ikes out of my nose at the bartender last Saturday. many thanks
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
Now the circle is complete. Just interviewed a guy who was a higher up member of the team I worked for in my job before this place
My parents just told me that if I stop drinking I could do something great with my life...
They obliviously haven't seen you dance on top of a pool table then
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
