His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
As I'm trying to leave her house she shushes me and puts my hand on her boob, then goes back to sleep. In like 30seconds. What the fuck.
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.
One of my students submitted a thesis proposal to find the exact correlation between desire for sexual intercourse and vaginal heat.
Tell me you accepted it! This is critical fucking research!
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
See this is where I mess up.. I get distracted by the option of consistent sex and free beer
I don't know if I'm more excited about sex or that I have an excuse to smoke a cigarette
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
yeah, last night we handcuffed you and you started crying saying that you weren't a bad person
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