Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
you went through ur friends list and posted an obscene comment on every ultrasound pic...."not his" "looks like a sea monkey"
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.
Beer lympzucs are ki7lling me
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I woke up and they were watching power rangers in japanese so I just found my bra and left
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
Well my parents know I get medical Cannabis they saw me on the news at the dispensary
He gets married Father's Day weekend and I just found out I'm pregnant. What do I do?
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
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