Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
My Higher Power is John Stamos
i didnt like the question options for my yahoo account..so i made up the question and it was "favorite bathroom to shit in"
He just kept telling me how to do certain things. It was like I was fucking my sex ed teacher
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.
he knocked a glass of water onto my bed and then said that he should get to sleep on the dry side because he was "a guest"
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I keep getting the feeling him and his friends are hilarious and we should drink whiskey together forever
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
Randomize
