I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
I caught myself flirting with clients today. Someone needs to take me to pound town before I self destruct. This is a code red. I repeat code red.
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
She was yelling at the tater tots, "In five minutes, you're going in my mouth!"
First poop in my apartment for the summer, officially settled in. :)
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Yeah well I fucked my ex on a sink last night soooo booty calls for us all
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