after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I just set a bowl of cap n crunch on fire. That high.
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Get ready tonight we are going to get drunk and pierce my nipples
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
...hi
YOU SHOULD BE ASHAMED OF YOURSELF
Ok cool I was afraid you'd never speak to me again. I can work with this.
I may or may not be drinking in a church parking lot.
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