Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday
do you really not remember him getting up at like 4am with a leaf blower running through the house and telling people to "WAKE THE FUCK UPPP"
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Just bought a breathalyzer and Sharpies, guess who thought of a new drinking game
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.
Zach, it's Lisa from work. Was that you yeiling BALLS DEEP at me on I-25 or is it just something about me that invites that from rando creeps?
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
Did I, at any point last night, say I was dying?
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
he told me that I'm basically going to be the mom of the house when they move in...i like to see it as being a MILF without the responsibility of real children
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
