I am so fucking pissed, there are no Shamwows in the As Seen on TV Store.
Looks like you'll have to stick to jizzing in socks.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..
He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
you two really need to work out your issues. my vagina can't handle another week of your pent up frustrations.
This Pinterest wedding planning is a good distraction. I'm great at this, my imaginary wedding is beautiful
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
There's tequila in my general area. Please pray for me.
Just because I'm sleeping with him doesn't mean I'm in love with him, it means that I want to have sex with someone who isn't a serial killer.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
