In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You had your dick do your apologizing for you last night. Apology accepted.
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon
I was basically just fingering myself and thinking about space.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
I swear to God if you start calling your dick “my pegasus” we’re not friends anymore
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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