i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?
A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!
literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me
There is a mosh pit in our kitchen. You better hurry.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
hey remember that mom you brought home from the bar last month... she is currently driving me back to her place. turning my phone off now.
He said I act like a cross between a kindergartener and a high 70 year old man. Which is inacurate because it fails to account for the disco obsession.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
Drug test isn't today. Now I'm just sitting in this orientation with a bag of your piss in my pants
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
You know that episode of Spongebob where Patrick teaches Spongebob to be fancy? His dick was like that, only fancier.
Randomize
