By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
I'm not sure what happened last night, but my turtle seems afraid of me.
He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
she gave me her number and i just said "no. cant."
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
we superglued breast forms to his chest. those aren't coming off anytime soon.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
He said that we couldn't refer to each other as brother and sister anymore cuz we were in no way related and he would love nothing more than to get naked with me.
Do you think it would be okay if i cleaned my cartilage piercing with the leftover vodka?
I know I drink too much cuz "ssssjllapph peneinssesss" automatically comes up in my phone now.
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
