So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized
i just renamed my vag "the sorting hat"
I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
The most interesting things happen to you when your pants come down. I truly envy you.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
We're all in the kiddie pool on the porch. Fully clothed. Watching porn. With my manager.
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
I just wanted to let u know that I called the taco people and informed them what the fuck is up.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
It's like weed even makes my glasses better. Everything is so bright and clear and beautiful!
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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