One little Beyonce reference and he turns on me faster than liberals on Jon Mackey
If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
But please don't judge me if i smell like mustard
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
When did we convert life to cartoon?
Nothing wrong with a few meaningless hookups. Keeps the mind occupied and the body satisfied
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
not sure if destroying him emotionally was worth it but damn it's a fucking hilarious story
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
Randomize