I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
Pandora was on point with the sex music tonight
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
WHY IS THERE A GOLD FISH IN MY BONG??
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
