Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)
awesome babe! drinks tonight!
Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Im about to get a baby alligator stoned, what are you doing with your life?
we managed to melt a few different forms of plastic into the cannibutter....
is it weird that our first time having sex was makeup sex?
my entire left arm went numb
you need to get that checked to make sure you're not wired to have strokes instead of orgasms
People will say "JOE YOU MUST TURN DOWN" and I will refuse, in the name of liberty.
Ps I took your recycling out, the 9 champagne bottles, vodka bottle, and tequila bottle is how I knew it was yours
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
