I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Michael Bay diarrhea
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
I can't believe you picked a finger in the ass over lunch with me.
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
drying my bra with a hair dryer wasn't exactly how I had planned on starting my day.
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
Also there's so much vodka on my breath that if I blew on my fingers my nail polish would fall right off
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
dont know what thebfuxk is in rhat shit, but dont lemme have antmore
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