My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
WHY DO SO MANY HOBOS THINK I'M CUTE.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
Someone had Captain Morgan and orange juice at the same moment I lost my hangover and I just had to give it a try.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
it was one of those unspoken contracts of silence like "I teach your daughter and you work at a strip club"...I don't tell if you don't
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
Randomize