you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
Maybe I should forgo underwear.
This is a family BBQ no?
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
You know your night is done when the police confiscate your bra at high school basketball game
He forehead kissed me AND THEN asked what I was thinking. I'm taking away his man card.
With great boredom comes great irresponsibility.
Please tell me you're not on their roof again..
I had to google some of the kinky sex shit she was telling me she was into.
If that is not a reason to propose to her then I don't know what is
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
so my parents definitely heard me when I was cumming last night...
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