so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
just wokeup with my ethics textbook on my chest, animal crakers in my mouth and my dick in my hand. even aristotle doesn't have a theory for this one
We sat in his closet and drank four loko out of my camelbak for an hour in the dark. You tell me how my night went.
Thats not what we're looking for. I want this kid to suck a lolly pop out of a stripper's snatch.
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
why is there a broken handcuff locked to the ceiling fan
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
Spring Fling is on 420. The theme better be 'Flower Child'.
I want there to be fog machines and unicorns.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
On a better note: I'm on pace for 730 female produced orgasms in 2013.
You are hereby uninvited from future Turnt Tuesdays until further notice.
Aka I'm headed to the liquor store because I don't know how to handle my emotions.
As I walked across the lawn after the party got busted, an officer told me to chug my beer before I left the premises.
Randomize
