Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
just bought a $25 eighth from a chick who has a kid. i'm helping my community out right?
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
Two words. Shotgunning Cognac.
This has already gotten way out of hand
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Jake and I will do a protection ritual for ur dick I don't know where she has been
Whats proper etiquette for apologizing to your wife for being so drunk you stood up and pissed on the bedroom floor next to the bed?
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
Randomize
