He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat
Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Is it weird i consider You Sexy Thing our song?
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.
She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?
her dad gauges his nipple piercings.
Eye surgery went well. Just can't believe it took getting lasers through my eyes to temporarily stop the vivid sex dreams I was having
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
The waitress at the airport bar just asked me if I wanted a "to go" beer, hahahahaha OF COURSE I WANT A TO GO BEER.
He's balder, I'm skinnier. I win. I. Win.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
Randomize
