Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."
Also- bikini mowing was a horrible idea. One truck just drove by 3 times, turning around at the end of the block each time. My tan may be better for it but my conscience has been raped.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
At some point i am going to say to you "i have this really bad idea! You in? " just go with it.
Randomize