I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
I swear my cock just shook it's head disapprovingly at me.
I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
